“But What About Men’s Rights?”

In any discussion about feminism, this question is bound to come up sooner or later.

“Figures for gender proportions in domestic abuse are wrong, because men don’t report rape and abuse.”
“There are hardly any support groups out there for male sufferers. They are disbelieved or ridiculed.”
“Girls have it easy. You can wear dresses or jeans, play with dolls or trucks, but if a boy doesn’t like sports or loves dressing up people call him gay.”
“People think lesbians are hot, but gay men are laughed at.”

And so on. What strikes me though, is that these people always seem to think that these are counter-arguments to feminism. The way they see it, it’s women’s rights on one side, men’s rights on the other. But this simply isn’t the case at all. What they don’t realise is that we are all fighting the same enemy, namely, a society that values men over women, masculinity over femininity.

We see it everywhere. I do a form of boxing called Muay Thai, and over the years, I have had many ‘compliments’ that run along the lines of, “You fight like a man.” Sometimes, I let it go. Men are indeed generally stronger, it is true, so I’ll reluctantly let that pass. More often than not, though, they specify that they aren’t referring to strength, but my attitude when fighting. Why thank you, thank you very much, mister.
For a man, on the other hand, the worst insult he can possibly receive is to be called a woman. In Secondary school, when a male schoolmate was complimented by the teacher on his sewing skills in class, the general reaction was sniggering, and he was extremely embarrassed. Imagine that–embarrassment at having a talent, just because it was seen as a female skill! Men behaving like women is a running joke in popular culture – in “Friends”, the competitive Monica frequently refers to the underachieving Chandler as a girl, and men dressing up as women is always a source of hilarity, and a form of humiliation in certain sexual activities. It is no surprise that it is men who are usually far more homophobic than women. It is my belief that homophobia is mainly the anger that men feel towards other men for sullying male power by acting as a woman might. They mock them, believing them to be undeserving of the male body, the male identity, and that they are shaming themselves and men in general.

Ironically, this sexism towards women has negative consequences for men. Because men have to conform to a narrow definition of manhood (strength, power, dominance over women), to admit that they have been hurt by a woman, that they need help, is to invite ridicule from society. On batteredmen.com, a male victim of abuse tells the story of his failed attempt to get help from the police. The police took one look at him, and told him “to go home and sort her out [him]self.”

So let’s call a ceasefire and recognize that we can solve this problem together. When women are no longer seen as inherently inferior, when both women and men can be good, or bad, gentle, or strong, weak, or fierce, victims or perpetrators, keep house or run the country, only then can we all be free.

PS. To anticipate the question, “So why don’t feminists concern themselves more with addressing the issues that impact men?” my answer is this.

Do a google search of the word ‘man’, and you get 6500 million results. Search for the word woman and you get 1850 million. Add the search results for the word ‘girl’ to that number and you still only get 5860 million, while ‘man’ + ‘boy’ go up to 8660 million. So please forgive us if we want to take centre stage in our own writings. Heaven knows it doesn’t happen often.

Introduction, or “Why I have Decided to Start a Feminist Blog”

Growing up, the word ‘feminism’ has always been a source of unease for me. Like many, I thought the women’s movement was a thing of the past, something that had been fought and won. Now was the time to reap the benefits, and we could smile smugly to ourselves, congratulating ourselves on how enlightened we are, compared to our unfortunate ancestors. To continue to be a feminist was to be deliberately awkward, to desire a childish form of anti-boy “girl power”, which I was keen to avoid.

At first glance, it’s easy to see why one might get complacent. More women than ever before are graduating from university, entering the workforce, and playing a part in politics. Female authors no longer need to use male pseudonyms to be published, and a female doctor no longer causes a stir. Laws have been rewritten, policies have been realigned…what is there to hold women back now?

But as I grew older, I couldn’t help but feel that something wasn’t right. They were little things at first, familial things. Like how my brother was encouraged to join a martial arts class (he hated it), while I, who had always expressed an interest, was discouraged. Or my dad’s well-meaning advice to me about marriage, claiming that the life and destiny of a woman hinged on the man she married, whereas a wife had a much smaller effect on a man’s path in life. Or the endless bombardment from society to be ‘pure’, to ‘save ourselves’ for our husbands, as though a woman who wasn’t a virgin was somehow second-hand, damaged goods, while the man had ‘gained something’ from her. As my intellect and insight developed I started fighting back, but it was in vain, for the argument, “That’s the way society is,” or “Men and women are made for different things” would come up again and again, and while I was heard, I wasn’t listened to.

My rising indignation led me to look deeper into the feminist movement today, ‘third wave feminism’, if you like. My feelings were mixed – I felt vindicated (yes, my feelings of unfairness ARE valid), shocked and upset (things are worse than I thought), but also hopeful.

We can do something about it. It doesn’t have to always be this way.

Hence this blog. To me, the search for gender equality isn’t just about law-changing or quotas or anything like that. What is needed now is a huge cultural realignment, a shift in the way we view men and women. We need to step away from our gut reactions and really think about how we see the world, what we expect, and what we believe. This post is merely an introduction; subsequent entries will start looking a little more closely at the sexism and anti-femaleness, deliberate or not, that is prevalent throughout the world as we know it.

Why have we assumed that equality has reached its natural limit? Those resistant to change 50 years ago were saying strikingly similar things, and look how far we’ve come. Gender equality has not yet been reached, and progress will continue.
I may be but a lone, small voice in the immense blogosphere, but by perhaps making some rethink their values, I, together with all the other courageous fighters out there, can bring about real change in the world.